After the prison warden left, I became very confused. The old persona (the old me) wanted to go back to the past and rewrite the wrongs of it. She wanted to go to all of her friends at that time who witnessed it and reconnect with them. Maybe they will understand. They probably sympathize with me. They would know that I was forced to and that I loved him and that I felt ashamed. She would never think that they, like the average person, have a threshold for giving a fuck. Many of them are in an insular world with unchanging rules. She didn't know that in the past, she had crossed a line that made her a social anomaly. Someone that civil society can no longer understand or accept.
Why was she so shocked? As if she had long forgotten that day in grade 8 when she confronted this girl who was isolating her from her friends.
Tired of pretense, she had asked this girl straight up, "Why don't you like me?"
The girl had looked very dumbfounded. She was never expecting this kind of confrontation. The truth was that there was no good reason. The old persona was just the antithesis of who she was. She was nonathletic, sensitive, outspoken, unfiltered, yet tactless. The old persona was someone who you can bully, but she was not undesirable enough to be cast aside. She had some friends, and they liked her.
The girl said, "You're just weird."
The old persona was quite hurt by this. She had tried so hard to be this person's friend, and even at that moment, she still considered this girl her friend. She was sorry that she expressed unhappiness the other day in the park, but she was not the only person to do so. She was just an easy target.
Even when the old persona did not do anything to purposely harm someone, she is an abject. She refuses to accept the cruelty in the social world. She believes in justice and goodness and kindness. She wants to believe something else so badly. And this faith, my friend, is what caused her to be trapped in the darkroom because people dangled pieces of this faith in front of her so she can lap it up like a dog.
People can't understand the old persona, but they can understand the prison warden. This is because the prison warden, surprisingly, fits into their vision of the world. After all, there are prison wardens all around them. They are pretty powerful in the social hierarchy. Of course, not all of them is as crazy as that prison warden. On the surface, most prison wardens are cunning, skillful, charismatic and adept at manipulation. At least they know how to talk! My god, you cannot deny that he's a genius! There were so many of these prison wardens around. You know who to avoid! You are the one who chose him willingly. Why are you so stupid?
And the old persona did not know this until the new persona came along. She was unable to see. She hoped desperately that these people were acting the way they were because they were unaware. She thought that it was all her fault. If they were just a bit more educated about the issue....
She thought to herself, "Maybe, I can talk to them. They are probably worried about me."
The new persona shook the old persona furiously and asked, "If they were so bloody worried, why didn't they call or ask? Why didn't they do anything? Why didn't they help you? How come a 21-year-old girl you knew for a few months helped you while people you knew for years can't lift a hand? You helped these people your whole life! You cared about them! You were generous! They couldn't be bothered to keep messaging you after a year! These people aren't stupid either! They were even more intelligent than you! They knew who he was before you did! Can't you see that they don't care?! As soon as you disappeared, you no longer have any social significance. Your social currency deteriorated even more. Your reputation is gone! Can't you fucking see?!"
The new persona was not as kind. She had no sympathy for these people. In fact, she was convinced that many of these people were not real friends to begin with. She would rather be alone for the rest of her life living like a hermit than be with trash like that. She was convinced that people like this were the reason why the world was the way it was. She remembered how some of them were calling her a slut back in middle school are now the same idiots sprouting pro-feminist values. She remembered the same people who called her fat and ugly are now hash-tagging shit about being comfortable in their own skin. The hypocrisy drove her mad.
The old persona was not exactly going to back down, "Maybe, they were doing me a favour by giving me space. Would I have left if they intervened?"
The new persona snapped back, "Please, they could have just left you messages to know they were thinking of you. You know people who died on Facebook get more birthday messages than you. You're forgotten by everyone."
The new persona and old persona argued a bit about whether to reach out to these people.
The new persona was tired of fighting and said, "Fine. Reach out to some of them. Let's see what they are about. Choose carefully and don't get attached. I still think we should just live a new life. Okay, maybe your friends didn't know. Maybe they couldn't do anything. Well, I want to choose new friends who would want to know. I want to choose friends who want to help. I want to be with people who are conscious. I want people to give a fuck about us and people like us."
The new persona then hardened up and said something they were both avoiding, "Maybe, they just never cared for you in the way you thought they would, and maybe, you always loved them more than they loved you."
The old persona was not having any of that. She replied, "If I loved them that much, why did I leave them!? Why did I choose an abuser over them?"
The new persona rolled her eyes. "Haven't you read A Midsummer Night's Dream? Why does Helena betray her bestfriend Hermia and tells Demetrius where Hermia is? Helena is blinded by her love for Demetrius. Romantic love is blind! Shouldn't they know more than you? Shouldn't they understand? And love in a domestic abuse situation is more potent and dangerous than normal love. It's like being addicted on crack and stealing from your parents. It's kind of like something out of your control except the crack pipe can talk and lure you in and beat the shit out of you and the crack pipe can be sent to jail."
The new persona agreed that the old persona could reach out to some of the old friends.
There was a guy. Let's call him Seven. Seven and the old persona were really good friends.
This is how the old persona remembers Seven...
"Seven and I met in university. We were in the same dorm. He was always really friendly to me. He was working in a company that was basically a pyramid scheme. We always laughed together. Of course, we weren't super close, but we were friends. We also went as a group to eat all you can eat sushi together. In the second year, we shared a house together with three other people. We spent a lot of time together. We went grocery shopping. We talked about our relationship with people. He teased me a lot about my relationship with guys, and he teased me for my weight. It was all a joke. He had a girlfriend, and I knew her as well. She was cool. Me and him also watched films together. In the third year, when I met the prison warden, we were no longer living in the same dorm. The prison warden got really jealous that I was hanging out with him. I was made to cut him off, and he did it. He was really upset. But that was that. I feel really bad that I did that to him. I feel embarrassed and ashamed but I was in love! I really did think of him as a good friend up until the point I was forced."
The new persona did not think about Seven. Her job was to survive by all means possible. Seven was a goddamn distraction.
When the new persona, the old persona, the girl and the mother worked to get rid of the prison warden the first time in 2016, the girl made the two personas write a public announcement on Facebook. It was to signify her single-hood. The two personas both thought it was a stupid idea; they did it anyways.
Coincidentally, at that moment, Seven decides to send the old persona a friend request. The two personas, if you remember, became trapped again by the prison warden, but they didn't decline the friend request. The old persona saw it as a sign that Seven remembers her and wants to be her friend again. The new persona was not so sure. She doesn't trust anyone anymore. After the first fiasco in 2016, she was more convinced now more than ever that people were driven by very base desires: sex, money, and power. They were willing to help the prison warden imprison her to achieve these desires. Who is to say that Seven was not driven by any of these things? Does she think he is so noble? She didn't want to disappoint the old persona's image of him. The old persona cannot be hopeless; otherwise, she would only be closer to the prison warden. He would be the only fixed figure in her life.
In 2017, the prison warden was finally kicked out. There was no one to guard the two personas anymore. They also moved locations because they knew that the prison warden was a greedy man and wanted the new persona to keep bringing the ducats.
Old persona came out of the darkroom a lot during this period. She was happy and free. She was in ecstasy. She wanted to come out of her shell and talk to Seven. She accepted his friend request, and he started to talk to her.
Old persona was too happy to notice somethings that were odd. The new persona was astute.
"Why is he sending all these fucking smiling emojis? And why doesn't he seem to want to know where you have been in the past 5 fucking years? He's acting like nothing happened 5 years ago," she shouted at the old persona. The new persona was annoyed that so much time was wasted on Seven. She was seeing old persona's memories about him with suspicion and anger.
Remembering the summer of 2012 when Seven changed his actions towards her. In the previous year, he teased her a lot about her weight. The old persona saw it as jest. The old persona also did not see those subtle hints of put downs towards her appearance. In 2012, the old persona was skinnier and a lot better looking. She exuded her sexuality better (because she had more money). Her hair was grown out. He was friendlier to her, and he told her how she had changed and lost weight. He was not very sympathetic when she told him about the prison warden who was manipulating her from afar.
The new persona, having scrutinized this memory carefully in her intellect, pronounced, "At best, he's a powerless person who didn't know any better and a victim of his environment. At worst, he is a selfish asshole who only saw you as a piece of meat. I am no friend of the prison warden, but I think he knew enough to know that this guy might have had ulterior motives. You weren't his friend. You were his backup card. If you accept that he is just a powerless person,he is useless to you as a friend let alone a romantic partner."
The old persona defended him.
The new persona gave in. She had her suspicions, but she wanted to confirm them too. "Let's keep messaging this person and see what he wants."
They keep messaging back and forth. Seven was travelling around the world, and the old persona was delighted for him. Seven then asked if the old persona wanted to meet up. At this point, the old persona was not in the city area but in Mississauga. Seven told her that they should hang out. He didn't want to go to Mississauga. The old persona was adaptable. She was willing to accommodate. He suggested Downtown. Not a problem, she replied. He said that it would be too far away for her to travel back and forth.
He suggested that she could sleep over on his couch.
"Halt!" The new persona pulls the old persona out of the conversation.
The new persona was very angry. She was insulted.
"Who the fuck does he think he is? Why am I sleeping over on his couch? I can't take an uber or get a goddamn hotel or something? And if he is trying to flirt, why the fuck am I sleeping on his couch? I'm 25 years old. Do I look like a fucking homeless mongrel? Who do you take me for?"
The old persona tried to calm her down, "He's trying to be nice. We were like bros before."
The new persona just laughed and shook her head. The new persona told the old persona, "I think even if you chose to go over to his house, fuck him, and sleep on his house, I wouldn't blame you. But you are not attracted to him sexually. You always wanted his friendship, so you wouldn't get off anyways. This guy is a waste of time."
The old persona agreed. They sent him a message that said that they were too busy and asked if Seven would be willing to accommodate anything else. He said he was also too busy.
The new persona laughed, "Ha! You see this piece of trash?! He doesn't consider you as a friend at all. Watch him disappear."
And he did until 2018.
What had happened was the two personas were in a relationship with someone new. Something had happened in this relationship that disappointed the two personas. They were beginning to both feel that heartlessness was just a fact of life. What is the point of being noble anymore?
The old persona threw a hissy fit, "I'm tired of working all the fucking time. When are we going to get rich? We have money and never spend it. What's the point? We thought we could get revenge on those cunts, but you are always buying time. I want to just enjoy life."
The new persona was having a difficult time at this point in her life. She finally got into the Master's program. Still, she wanted something more. She wanted recognition though she didn't know how. She was stuck in a foreign country where she could not truly shine.
They decided to meet downtown. There was a food festival,and she wanted to try it out.
They met each other in the corner of a street. They greeted each other. She was wearing a black long sleeve and jeans. He was wearing...nothing memorable, sorry.
I believed they hugged and he, giving her a once over, said, "You look good."
She frowned. If they were having a date, he could have just told her. She assumed they were going to just catch up like old times.
They went to the food festival... Unfortunately, there was an unforeseeable fire that day. The fair was closed.
He took her to a bar/restaurant. They ate and drank beer. They began talking about the past. The old persona and him were avoiding something in the past. They tiptoed around the topic so beautifully. He asked about her tattoo. It was his first time seeing it.
"What is it?" he asked curiously.
"Oh nothing, just a geometric shape," she said. What she said wasn't entirely a lie. Underneath the shape was a brand. An unspeakable thing that needed to be shrouded.
He frowned and said, "Oh really?"
The new persona knew he probably communicated with someone before this meeting because he knew what this brand was. Who was the person who knew about the brand? None other than the girls that were once the old persona's friends. Remember that girl who wrote her a letter saying she vilified herself. Remember how they bonded over "losing" you. Probably talked for hours about you but wouldn't even give you a helping hand.
The new persona wanted to leave. The old persona wanted to stay. The old persona told the new persona that she was being paranoid.
They talked more. They decided to tell him about the prison warden. The new persona didn't think it mattered. It wouldn't matter if he knew. Of course, they glossed over the graphic details.
The bill came. The new persona insisted on paying. She didn't want him to feel like he needed to pity her. She could take care of herself.
They decided to go to a Japanese bar. They get a little drunk. Seven starts to brag about how much money he makes at one point by emphasizing how the bill wasn't that expensive and shows the new persona his personal investment account. He wasn't totally unprovoked. New persona liked to talk about money and her business.
At one point, he starts talking about the girls he dated. It was weird. He begins to talk about how he cannot find the perfect woman and is convinced that dating is a matter of numbers. He believed that it was a game of probability. The new persona wanted to know what his intentions were for telling her this. He started talking about how he took one of these girls to an Izakaya.
She looked demurely into his eyes and said, "The guy I'm dating wants to take me to Joey's."
It threw him off his course. He goes, "You're seeing someone? What kind of unoriginal guy would want to take a girl out to Joey's?" He starts talking about the waitress and how hot she was. I asked him why he didn't ask her out. He didn't. She offered to help him. The new persona laughed. This guy was quite predictable.
He then proceeds to go on a lecture about how there is a difference between a sexual relationship and a real relationship. He advised the two personas to be single for awhile.
As they walked to the old bar that the old persona always went to with Seven back in the day, Seven began to unmask a little. They broached the topic of her past again.
He decided to put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. The new persona was annoyed. They enjoyed the old bar though. It was comforting to the old persona to relive her past a little. The bar was just as dingy as before. There was a bad comedian there doing stand up. The old persona comes out a bit and heckles him.
They went to Sneaky Dee's. They had nachos and beer.
At one point, he goes, "You're beautiful."
She said, "What?"
He goes, "Well, everyone's beautiful."
At this point, she was very liquored up and he was very liquored up too. They wanted to go to another bar. She felt very drunk. She needed to go home. He said that she could just sleep on his couch. The new persona got really annoyed at this point. Was this his plan all along? To get her all liquored up so the old persona would come out and jump on him? The new persona is not letting the old persona out for this idiot.
The new persona called an uber and got the fuck out of there. Seven looked bemused.
She messaged the girl, and they had a good laugh about it.
=================================================================
That summer, the two personas mended the rift with the boyfriend.
They decided to have a barbecue.
The new persona wanted to invite Seven and their mutual friend Luky. The old persona loved Luky and thought highly of him. The new persona couldn't give much of a fuck.
For nostalgia's sake, the old persona decides to message Luky.
This is an excerpt of the conversation:
Me: Wubba? Seven's on crack.
Luky: He is. He has a problem. Speaking of which, you're in Canada at just the right time. Cannabis legalization...not that it stopped you before.
Me: I don't smoke weed. Makes me lazy. I'm old now.
Luky: Proud of you.
Me: Do you want to bring your girlfriend to a BBQ I'm hosting with my boyfriend.
Luky: Bring Seven?
Me: He's probably busy but yeah okay.
Luky: Lol ok.
Me: I'm at the gym. Just let me know if not, we will have coffee or smth.
Luky: Good. Sounds like you've matured alot!
The old persona was pretty hurt by this. Was she that immature? Was she such a pothead?
She asked the new persona, "Was I that bad? What's with all these side remarks?"
New persona rebuked the old persona, "Fuck this guy. Who the fuck does he think he is?! Why are you wasting your goddamn time on this trash? Did he live through what you had to live through? The average person would have committed suicide. What the hell does he know? The biggest struggle in his goddamn life was his undergraduate degree. He is a now a drone for corporation. What the fuck does he know about struggle? He thinks he can judge you? He knows nothing about you. He knows nothing about life. He followed a script from birth. He would benefit from reading Zhuangzi who wisely said that there were many daos in life. You walked a dao that you shouldn't have walked but that dao is a part of you. Remember Zhuangzi said, 'Everyone has a heart and each is different in its shi-fei structure. We call those whose shi-fei coincides with ours 'sages' and those whose conflict 'fools'."
The new persona does not allow the old persona to meet up with Seven anymore unless there is a third person there. The new persona communicates from time to time with these two people, but she really does not see a point anymore in talking with these people. They never respected the old persona. Seven was attracted to the old persona, and Luky saw her as an entertaining piece of meat.
They both want to keep talk to the new persona. They were fascinated by this new creature. However, the new persona does not respect them. She saw how they looked at the old persona behind her. And that look was treachery to her.
The old persona did not fight the new persona on this.
Together, the two personas placed them under the label "non-priority" in their cabinet full of memories and continued to live their chaotic life.
Why was she so shocked? As if she had long forgotten that day in grade 8 when she confronted this girl who was isolating her from her friends.
Tired of pretense, she had asked this girl straight up, "Why don't you like me?"
The girl had looked very dumbfounded. She was never expecting this kind of confrontation. The truth was that there was no good reason. The old persona was just the antithesis of who she was. She was nonathletic, sensitive, outspoken, unfiltered, yet tactless. The old persona was someone who you can bully, but she was not undesirable enough to be cast aside. She had some friends, and they liked her.
The girl said, "You're just weird."
The old persona was quite hurt by this. She had tried so hard to be this person's friend, and even at that moment, she still considered this girl her friend. She was sorry that she expressed unhappiness the other day in the park, but she was not the only person to do so. She was just an easy target.
Even when the old persona did not do anything to purposely harm someone, she is an abject. She refuses to accept the cruelty in the social world. She believes in justice and goodness and kindness. She wants to believe something else so badly. And this faith, my friend, is what caused her to be trapped in the darkroom because people dangled pieces of this faith in front of her so she can lap it up like a dog.
People can't understand the old persona, but they can understand the prison warden. This is because the prison warden, surprisingly, fits into their vision of the world. After all, there are prison wardens all around them. They are pretty powerful in the social hierarchy. Of course, not all of them is as crazy as that prison warden. On the surface, most prison wardens are cunning, skillful, charismatic and adept at manipulation. At least they know how to talk! My god, you cannot deny that he's a genius! There were so many of these prison wardens around. You know who to avoid! You are the one who chose him willingly. Why are you so stupid?
And the old persona did not know this until the new persona came along. She was unable to see. She hoped desperately that these people were acting the way they were because they were unaware. She thought that it was all her fault. If they were just a bit more educated about the issue....
She thought to herself, "Maybe, I can talk to them. They are probably worried about me."
The new persona shook the old persona furiously and asked, "If they were so bloody worried, why didn't they call or ask? Why didn't they do anything? Why didn't they help you? How come a 21-year-old girl you knew for a few months helped you while people you knew for years can't lift a hand? You helped these people your whole life! You cared about them! You were generous! They couldn't be bothered to keep messaging you after a year! These people aren't stupid either! They were even more intelligent than you! They knew who he was before you did! Can't you see that they don't care?! As soon as you disappeared, you no longer have any social significance. Your social currency deteriorated even more. Your reputation is gone! Can't you fucking see?!"
The new persona was not as kind. She had no sympathy for these people. In fact, she was convinced that many of these people were not real friends to begin with. She would rather be alone for the rest of her life living like a hermit than be with trash like that. She was convinced that people like this were the reason why the world was the way it was. She remembered how some of them were calling her a slut back in middle school are now the same idiots sprouting pro-feminist values. She remembered the same people who called her fat and ugly are now hash-tagging shit about being comfortable in their own skin. The hypocrisy drove her mad.
The old persona was not exactly going to back down, "Maybe, they were doing me a favour by giving me space. Would I have left if they intervened?"
The new persona snapped back, "Please, they could have just left you messages to know they were thinking of you. You know people who died on Facebook get more birthday messages than you. You're forgotten by everyone."
The new persona and old persona argued a bit about whether to reach out to these people.
The new persona was tired of fighting and said, "Fine. Reach out to some of them. Let's see what they are about. Choose carefully and don't get attached. I still think we should just live a new life. Okay, maybe your friends didn't know. Maybe they couldn't do anything. Well, I want to choose new friends who would want to know. I want to choose friends who want to help. I want to be with people who are conscious. I want people to give a fuck about us and people like us."
The new persona then hardened up and said something they were both avoiding, "Maybe, they just never cared for you in the way you thought they would, and maybe, you always loved them more than they loved you."
The old persona was not having any of that. She replied, "If I loved them that much, why did I leave them!? Why did I choose an abuser over them?"
The new persona rolled her eyes. "Haven't you read A Midsummer Night's Dream? Why does Helena betray her bestfriend Hermia and tells Demetrius where Hermia is? Helena is blinded by her love for Demetrius. Romantic love is blind! Shouldn't they know more than you? Shouldn't they understand? And love in a domestic abuse situation is more potent and dangerous than normal love. It's like being addicted on crack and stealing from your parents. It's kind of like something out of your control except the crack pipe can talk and lure you in and beat the shit out of you and the crack pipe can be sent to jail."
The new persona agreed that the old persona could reach out to some of the old friends.
There was a guy. Let's call him Seven. Seven and the old persona were really good friends.
This is how the old persona remembers Seven...
"Seven and I met in university. We were in the same dorm. He was always really friendly to me. He was working in a company that was basically a pyramid scheme. We always laughed together. Of course, we weren't super close, but we were friends. We also went as a group to eat all you can eat sushi together. In the second year, we shared a house together with three other people. We spent a lot of time together. We went grocery shopping. We talked about our relationship with people. He teased me a lot about my relationship with guys, and he teased me for my weight. It was all a joke. He had a girlfriend, and I knew her as well. She was cool. Me and him also watched films together. In the third year, when I met the prison warden, we were no longer living in the same dorm. The prison warden got really jealous that I was hanging out with him. I was made to cut him off, and he did it. He was really upset. But that was that. I feel really bad that I did that to him. I feel embarrassed and ashamed but I was in love! I really did think of him as a good friend up until the point I was forced."
The new persona did not think about Seven. Her job was to survive by all means possible. Seven was a goddamn distraction.
When the new persona, the old persona, the girl and the mother worked to get rid of the prison warden the first time in 2016, the girl made the two personas write a public announcement on Facebook. It was to signify her single-hood. The two personas both thought it was a stupid idea; they did it anyways.
Coincidentally, at that moment, Seven decides to send the old persona a friend request. The two personas, if you remember, became trapped again by the prison warden, but they didn't decline the friend request. The old persona saw it as a sign that Seven remembers her and wants to be her friend again. The new persona was not so sure. She doesn't trust anyone anymore. After the first fiasco in 2016, she was more convinced now more than ever that people were driven by very base desires: sex, money, and power. They were willing to help the prison warden imprison her to achieve these desires. Who is to say that Seven was not driven by any of these things? Does she think he is so noble? She didn't want to disappoint the old persona's image of him. The old persona cannot be hopeless; otherwise, she would only be closer to the prison warden. He would be the only fixed figure in her life.
In 2017, the prison warden was finally kicked out. There was no one to guard the two personas anymore. They also moved locations because they knew that the prison warden was a greedy man and wanted the new persona to keep bringing the ducats.
Old persona came out of the darkroom a lot during this period. She was happy and free. She was in ecstasy. She wanted to come out of her shell and talk to Seven. She accepted his friend request, and he started to talk to her.
Old persona was too happy to notice somethings that were odd. The new persona was astute.
"Why is he sending all these fucking smiling emojis? And why doesn't he seem to want to know where you have been in the past 5 fucking years? He's acting like nothing happened 5 years ago," she shouted at the old persona. The new persona was annoyed that so much time was wasted on Seven. She was seeing old persona's memories about him with suspicion and anger.
Remembering the summer of 2012 when Seven changed his actions towards her. In the previous year, he teased her a lot about her weight. The old persona saw it as jest. The old persona also did not see those subtle hints of put downs towards her appearance. In 2012, the old persona was skinnier and a lot better looking. She exuded her sexuality better (because she had more money). Her hair was grown out. He was friendlier to her, and he told her how she had changed and lost weight. He was not very sympathetic when she told him about the prison warden who was manipulating her from afar.
The new persona, having scrutinized this memory carefully in her intellect, pronounced, "At best, he's a powerless person who didn't know any better and a victim of his environment. At worst, he is a selfish asshole who only saw you as a piece of meat. I am no friend of the prison warden, but I think he knew enough to know that this guy might have had ulterior motives. You weren't his friend. You were his backup card. If you accept that he is just a powerless person,he is useless to you as a friend let alone a romantic partner."
The old persona defended him.
The new persona gave in. She had her suspicions, but she wanted to confirm them too. "Let's keep messaging this person and see what he wants."
They keep messaging back and forth. Seven was travelling around the world, and the old persona was delighted for him. Seven then asked if the old persona wanted to meet up. At this point, the old persona was not in the city area but in Mississauga. Seven told her that they should hang out. He didn't want to go to Mississauga. The old persona was adaptable. She was willing to accommodate. He suggested Downtown. Not a problem, she replied. He said that it would be too far away for her to travel back and forth.
He suggested that she could sleep over on his couch.
"Halt!" The new persona pulls the old persona out of the conversation.
The new persona was very angry. She was insulted.
"Who the fuck does he think he is? Why am I sleeping over on his couch? I can't take an uber or get a goddamn hotel or something? And if he is trying to flirt, why the fuck am I sleeping on his couch? I'm 25 years old. Do I look like a fucking homeless mongrel? Who do you take me for?"
The old persona tried to calm her down, "He's trying to be nice. We were like bros before."
The new persona just laughed and shook her head. The new persona told the old persona, "I think even if you chose to go over to his house, fuck him, and sleep on his house, I wouldn't blame you. But you are not attracted to him sexually. You always wanted his friendship, so you wouldn't get off anyways. This guy is a waste of time."
The old persona agreed. They sent him a message that said that they were too busy and asked if Seven would be willing to accommodate anything else. He said he was also too busy.
The new persona laughed, "Ha! You see this piece of trash?! He doesn't consider you as a friend at all. Watch him disappear."
And he did until 2018.
What had happened was the two personas were in a relationship with someone new. Something had happened in this relationship that disappointed the two personas. They were beginning to both feel that heartlessness was just a fact of life. What is the point of being noble anymore?
The old persona threw a hissy fit, "I'm tired of working all the fucking time. When are we going to get rich? We have money and never spend it. What's the point? We thought we could get revenge on those cunts, but you are always buying time. I want to just enjoy life."
The new persona was having a difficult time at this point in her life. She finally got into the Master's program. Still, she wanted something more. She wanted recognition though she didn't know how. She was stuck in a foreign country where she could not truly shine.
She let the old persona took over for a while. They could have fun. The new persona was adamant about not doing anything too reckless. They were in a relationship with someone. Even though this someone was not faithful, the new persona did not want to degrade herself.
The old persona decides to talk to Seven again. What's the harm in talking to someone? Maybe they would be good friends and have fun. They would be close friends again. The new persona scoffed at the idea, but she was bored, and she wanted to see deeper into what he was about. The couch incident was not strong enough evidence that this Seven guy was a goddamn phony.
They decided to meet downtown. There was a food festival,and she wanted to try it out.
They met each other in the corner of a street. They greeted each other. She was wearing a black long sleeve and jeans. He was wearing...nothing memorable, sorry.
I believed they hugged and he, giving her a once over, said, "You look good."
She frowned. If they were having a date, he could have just told her. She assumed they were going to just catch up like old times.
They went to the food festival... Unfortunately, there was an unforeseeable fire that day. The fair was closed.
"What is it?" he asked curiously.
"Oh nothing, just a geometric shape," she said. What she said wasn't entirely a lie. Underneath the shape was a brand. An unspeakable thing that needed to be shrouded.
He frowned and said, "Oh really?"
The new persona knew he probably communicated with someone before this meeting because he knew what this brand was. Who was the person who knew about the brand? None other than the girls that were once the old persona's friends. Remember that girl who wrote her a letter saying she vilified herself. Remember how they bonded over "losing" you. Probably talked for hours about you but wouldn't even give you a helping hand.
The new persona wanted to leave. The old persona wanted to stay. The old persona told the new persona that she was being paranoid.
They talked more. They decided to tell him about the prison warden. The new persona didn't think it mattered. It wouldn't matter if he knew. Of course, they glossed over the graphic details.
The bill came. The new persona insisted on paying. She didn't want him to feel like he needed to pity her. She could take care of herself.
They decided to go to a Japanese bar. They get a little drunk. Seven starts to brag about how much money he makes at one point by emphasizing how the bill wasn't that expensive and shows the new persona his personal investment account. He wasn't totally unprovoked. New persona liked to talk about money and her business.
At one point, he starts talking about the girls he dated. It was weird. He begins to talk about how he cannot find the perfect woman and is convinced that dating is a matter of numbers. He believed that it was a game of probability. The new persona wanted to know what his intentions were for telling her this. He started talking about how he took one of these girls to an Izakaya.
She looked demurely into his eyes and said, "The guy I'm dating wants to take me to Joey's."
It threw him off his course. He goes, "You're seeing someone? What kind of unoriginal guy would want to take a girl out to Joey's?" He starts talking about the waitress and how hot she was. I asked him why he didn't ask her out. He didn't. She offered to help him. The new persona laughed. This guy was quite predictable.
He then proceeds to go on a lecture about how there is a difference between a sexual relationship and a real relationship. He advised the two personas to be single for awhile.
As they walked to the old bar that the old persona always went to with Seven back in the day, Seven began to unmask a little. They broached the topic of her past again.
He decided to put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. The new persona was annoyed. They enjoyed the old bar though. It was comforting to the old persona to relive her past a little. The bar was just as dingy as before. There was a bad comedian there doing stand up. The old persona comes out a bit and heckles him.
They went to Sneaky Dee's. They had nachos and beer.
At one point, he goes, "You're beautiful."
She said, "What?"
He goes, "Well, everyone's beautiful."
At this point, she was very liquored up and he was very liquored up too. They wanted to go to another bar. She felt very drunk. She needed to go home. He said that she could just sleep on his couch. The new persona got really annoyed at this point. Was this his plan all along? To get her all liquored up so the old persona would come out and jump on him? The new persona is not letting the old persona out for this idiot.
The new persona called an uber and got the fuck out of there. Seven looked bemused.
She messaged the girl, and they had a good laugh about it.
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That summer, the two personas mended the rift with the boyfriend.
They decided to have a barbecue.
The new persona wanted to invite Seven and their mutual friend Luky. The old persona loved Luky and thought highly of him. The new persona couldn't give much of a fuck.
For nostalgia's sake, the old persona decides to message Luky.
This is an excerpt of the conversation:
Me: Wubba? Seven's on crack.
Luky: He is. He has a problem. Speaking of which, you're in Canada at just the right time. Cannabis legalization...not that it stopped you before.
Me: I don't smoke weed. Makes me lazy. I'm old now.
Luky: Proud of you.
Me: Do you want to bring your girlfriend to a BBQ I'm hosting with my boyfriend.
Luky: Bring Seven?
Me: He's probably busy but yeah okay.
Luky: Lol ok.
Me: I'm at the gym. Just let me know if not, we will have coffee or smth.
Luky: Good. Sounds like you've matured alot!
The old persona was pretty hurt by this. Was she that immature? Was she such a pothead?
She asked the new persona, "Was I that bad? What's with all these side remarks?"
New persona rebuked the old persona, "Fuck this guy. Who the fuck does he think he is?! Why are you wasting your goddamn time on this trash? Did he live through what you had to live through? The average person would have committed suicide. What the hell does he know? The biggest struggle in his goddamn life was his undergraduate degree. He is a now a drone for corporation. What the fuck does he know about struggle? He thinks he can judge you? He knows nothing about you. He knows nothing about life. He followed a script from birth. He would benefit from reading Zhuangzi who wisely said that there were many daos in life. You walked a dao that you shouldn't have walked but that dao is a part of you. Remember Zhuangzi said, 'Everyone has a heart and each is different in its shi-fei structure. We call those whose shi-fei coincides with ours 'sages' and those whose conflict 'fools'."
The new persona does not allow the old persona to meet up with Seven anymore unless there is a third person there. The new persona communicates from time to time with these two people, but she really does not see a point anymore in talking with these people. They never respected the old persona. Seven was attracted to the old persona, and Luky saw her as an entertaining piece of meat.
They both want to keep talk to the new persona. They were fascinated by this new creature. However, the new persona does not respect them. She saw how they looked at the old persona behind her. And that look was treachery to her.
The old persona did not fight the new persona on this.
Together, the two personas placed them under the label "non-priority" in their cabinet full of memories and continued to live their chaotic life.
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