Ten years ago, I was an open book, exposed to the world. I posted liberally online. Everyone could see my vulnerabilities, my desires, and, my memories. I was everywhere, and then one day, I was gone.
In those ten years, I hid parts of myself, my feelings, and thoughts in a dark room until no one knew where I was or who I was anymore. For a time, I didn't know who I was either. Whenever these hidden parts began to emerge from the dark shadows, a violent force would put them back in place.
This violent force was an assemblage of people. The most distinctive part of this force was my abuser, a man who claimed he loved me. Other parts of this force were surprising. There were people like my old friends, my parents, and many other bystanders. I thought these people would have wanted to help. They didn't, or couldn't. A part of this force was the police, who couldn't help me.
Because of this force, I had to hide my original self away. Everyone pointed fingers at this old self. She was a slut. A low life. A stupid thing. An untamable crazy bitch. Even her feminist friends fed her to the lions. One said, "How dare you allow him to vilify you in this way?"
More shame was launched onto her. They were like the chorus in the Greek tragedy; they have a front-row seat to my tragedy but they are helpless to do anything to stop the tragedy. Why can't you leave him? Don't waste your life with him? Can't you see what's going on? You're not stupid, you can leave him anytime. It's understandable he's angry if you had several sexual partners. Don't be so weak. You're going back to him because of the sex. You are addicted to sex. You know he hits you, why are you going back to him? It was like no one fucking knew what "domestic abuse" or "intimate partner violence" was.
And yes, many of these people were feminists. They contended that I was a fool. They got angry at the old persona, who could not comprehend what was happening to her. Every crazy thing she was doing was a puppet act, and no one could understand it was a puppet act. Everyone she knew and loved turned against her. Her friends and her parents. Her abuser made her see just how alone she as, and he became the only thing she had. Oh, I know she was wild, free, and independent. However, she was too trusting, naive, and feeble. And maybe he was an experienced abuser. She was really no match for him. And her mother told her just how stupid she was. Everyone underestimated the abuse. And so I was only allowed to exist if I constructed a persona or a self that was in stark contrast to the real self.
What also fueled this process was how my abuser enlisted the help of my "friends". He got information out of them as ammunition against my real self. He got information out of them to prove that I was a slut who shouldn't exist. She was too wild.
At this point, the real original self decided to hide because she loved the man who imprisoned her. She helped fashioned persona that was allowed to walk the streets during the day and night. This persona was conservative in fashion. She wore button-ups. She was a paragon of hard work. She was less sensitive. She was satisfied with being a caged birth. She could run a business from 3pm to 9pm, and she could go to university from 7am to 3pm. And from 9pm to 1am, she cooked, cleaned, and slaved.
The abuse still came with lesser intensity, but the new persona could not feel pain anymore. The new persona had lost some of the memories of the old persona. This persona acted like she was in her 40s.
While my original persona was hidden, she did not die. She was in a darkroom the whole time looking at the life that the new persona lived in. The original persona was barely there. Sometimes, she would have the strength to be angry and questioned. Why did they put her here? Why did she go so willingly? What was wrong with her?
She looked through the life that the new persona lived with mixed feelings. While she was resentful she had to remain hidden, she was also fiercely possessive of this new persona. Yes, she was forced to make this persona, but she was the one made it. She was then contented to see the new persona as a part of her too.
Of course, nothing belonged to the old persona. As my abuser, who is the prison warden of the story, said to me one day, "Because of me, you are changed. You were a rotten apple before. A slutty whore. And I cut all of your defects away. You are now a better person because of me."
When she heard that, my old persona wanted to run out of that darkroom and show the prison warden just how alive she motherfucking was, but she stayed in the darkroom because she knew the consequences. She also knew perfectly well it was not easy to leave this prison warden. You see, she also loved him. He was not just a prison warden. He was her patriarch, her god, and her everything. What was sick about it was that her memories of his "goodness" were why she stayed in the darkroom and why the new persona kept living.
The thought of leaving the darkroom was unthinkable. Would anyone even believe that he was her prison warden? They didn't see him taunting her, beating her, raping her, and spitting on her. And if they did, they all thought she was asking for it. She remembered how his friend told her that he would beat his girlfriend like the prison warden if the girlfriend had done something to wrong him.
The prison warden was unsure whether the old persona died. He cannot enter the darkroom. He can only stand by the door watchfully. He only thought she died because there was a day when the tanned and fit girl of twenty disappeared and out emerged a frumpy looking forty-year-old who seemed to have thrown her sexuality away. He didn't know that berating my old persona had consequences.
You see, he was a true motherfucker. He loved taming wild unruly women into submission, but he was paranoid as to whether they would turn around and stab him in the back. He is sick in the head. He wanted them to be wild so he could feel the thrill of controlling them. He also wanted them not to be wild at the same time to defy their orders.
He teased her, "Where is the old rebellious self? She was so wild and sexual. She used to wear slutty clothes. I missed her so much. Now you're boring and all about work."
There was a time when the old persona would let him know a piece of her mind. She knew the time was not right. She let the new persona speak. The new persona coaxed him with sugary words. The old persona was pissed. The new persona thought the prison warden was stupid.
The old persona never died. She thrived during dreams, presenting her desires and demands to me in HD format. The persona dreamed of old friends in the past she was not allowed to see. She dreamed of freedom, but in the morning, she becomes quiet again in her darkroom.
She worked cautiously with the new persona to find a way to escape. There had to be a way out somehow, but there was never enough time. The prison warden was always watching.
There were failed attempts, of course, that resulted in more pain than the actual imprisonment. One time, the new persona brought in a person she thought was a friend. This person saw the darkroom and how the warden stood guard. The new persona expected her to be horrified and disgusted by the state of affairs. The person drank the scene with her eyes and felt so amused and entertained by it. She asked the new persona to give explicit details.
She begged her, "Tell me how he does it. Does he hit you? Like a slap or a punch?"
She saw the crippled and grotesque old persona on the cold floor and sneered. You see, this person was born quite ugly, and she had little intelligence to boast about. What's worse is that she didn't have any good in her. She took pleasure in the situation. It made her feel better about herself. The disgusting creature even found a picture of the old persona and asked why both of them have lost their splendour and beauty. The new persona had to restrain the old persona from strangling the cruel girl.
This disgusting person thrived on Schadenfreude, and she couldn't help but talk to the prison warden. She was simply fascinated by him. In reaction, the old persona screamed inside her darkroom, howling in pain at the humiliation. The new persona kept calm and quickly redirected the prison warden.
The old persona was never the same again. She could no longer trust the world outside of the darkroom. How would people gaze at her bruised flesh? She was fucking vulgar. A disgusting person who should just quietly die.
She told the new persona, "I will rather be with the prison warden for the rest of my life than to be a zoo animal for the whole world to point and gawk."
Her fear of being shamed again was even stronger than the fear of the prison warden.
Meanwhile, the new persona was not locked up. If you can remember, the new persona was allowed to roam free outside of the darkroom. Why? The new persona could bring ducats of gold back to the prison warden. No one would assume that these ducats were going to the disgusting warden, and most people respected the new persona. She was more well-spoken than the old persona. She was less emotional and wild. She was not feeble, and she was not sexual. She worked non-stop, and she was driven to bring about a result. With time, the new persona became more real than constructed.
Gradually, the violent force became a little less aggressive because the prison warden stopped guarding her. He got bored and wanted to find new victims. The new persona was careful and allowed the old girl to dance rebelliously outside of the darkroom. The old persona would always go back to the darkroom, but whenever she was out, she was delusional in the short ecstasy of freedom. No one stopped the original persona from coming out of the darkroom, but no one who used to care about old persona took any notice either. It was like a tree falling in the forest when no one is there to hear. She was allowed to exist without anyone knowing. She felt completely alone in the universe. She felt an odd sense of calm outside of the darkroom, but she was still compelled to go back to the darkroom and be guarded by the prison warden.
The tide of fortune had now completely changed. The prison warden was no longer superior to anyone. In fact, he was lazy and insipid in comparison to the new persona. The new persona wanted to leave. She could see objectively that the warden lacked use and power. No matter how hard she tried, the old persona refused to leave the darkroom to help her get rid of the annoying warden guarding both of their lives.
Fortuna was on their side and sent the most unsuspecting person to catalyze a chain of reaction that would get rid of the warden once and for all. Good deeds do come in circles because there was one day when the new persona helped a girl in need. She saw that the girl was close to being imprisoned by another prison warden and swiftly helped the girl. She did not want the girl to become the old persona, trapped in the darkroom.
The girl was very grateful, and she was surprised that this new persona did not judge her like any other person ever did. The new persona became her 贵人 (noble person), and in turn, the girl became the new persona's 贵人. They respected each other and became very close friends, but the new persona was afraid to show her the old persona in the darkroom and the prison warden guarding over her.
This rapidly changed when the new persona became very very exhausted. The prison warden was now more greedy for ducats than ever, and he refused to put in his share. Even though she was constructed, she became very tired. She lost some of her objectivity; after all, she was fashioned by the old persona. She even let the old persona to take over once in a while as she slept in the darkroom. This was disastrous because the old persona had not had any fucking time to process the years of trauma, and she unleashed her rage at everyone.
Fortunately, the prison warden was too busy to actually know that it was the old persona wrecking havoc. He thought she had died long ago. He was convinced that the new persona loved him (she was a fantastic actress). He didn't care about the rage as long as it wasn't directed at him.
Meanwhile, the new persona could barely go a day without collapsing. She was at her breaking point. She needed someone to convince the old persona to let go so they could all leave. She revealed the brutality of the warden to the girl and showed the girl the state of the old persona. The noble person was angry at the situation. She hated the prison warden, and she pitied the old persona. She didn't taunt the poor creature. She visited the feeble creature in the darkroom and fed it words of encouragement. The old persona, starved and abused for so long, was energized by these words. Looking at the girl and the new persona's encouragement, she agreed to get rid of the warden.
The girl, the new persona and the old persona worked out a way to get rid of the warden, and even the personas' mother helped. However, the plan was thwarted. The warden was shocked when he saw that he was cornered, but he wasn't a fool. He saw that the old persona was not only alive but also against him. He knew how to get the old persona to back down. He weaved a story with words he used before to enchant her.
The new persona yelled at the old person, "Goddamnit, don't believe a fucking word he says."
The old persona remained steadfast.
But before she knew it, the prison warden attacked her with, "How can you be so irresponsible for leaving everyone? Don't you know you have work to do? How can you leave your clients?"
The new persona weakened as well. She was unaware that she was not as strong as she thought. Because she was conscientious, she felt a huge responsibility.
Before anyone could do a damn thing, the prison warden regained his power and utter these words louder and repeated them. He repeated them in different versions. The repetition and bombardment of words were enough to shake the two personas. Then, he cut the bonds that were forged with the girl. He knew that she was a nuisance.
The prison warden acted lovingly and sweet, and cast all doubts aside. And when the time was right, he showed his evil again.
This time. He threw both personas in the darkroom. He tortured, raped, and demeaned both of them until they both convinced him that they would never leave his side. He couldn't believe the strength of the two. He had to put them under his control. It was nothing like what it was five years ago when it was just the old persona. The two of them were telling people about him. They spoke out against him. They were not afraid to call the cops. They were willing to walk barefoot to the security guard office and ask someone to call 999 for them. And they were willing to talk to the cops! Luckily, the cops were fucking useless, so they told both of them to hurry back to the apartment with him and stop causing such a fucking scene.
But the prison warden was actually very afraid. He knew he was losing control. He tried to regain it.
He used the old persona's past. He brought her sexual past up. It used to make her cower and cry and lose all sense of dignity. He loved it when that happened. It made him so hard. The new persona pretended to care and covered the old persona's ears. She had one goal in mind. She wanted to focus on finishing her university education, and she wanted to do a Master's as well. She also wanted to keep teaching all her students who she loved so much. She did everything he asked, and then, she did her own thing.
The prison warden was not satisfied. He wanted the screams of the old persona. He wanted that girl who would weep for days and cower. Who the fuck was this cold-hearted bitch? This new persona was ruthless. She managed to convince the prison warden that it was a good fucking idea for the girl, who helped her escape, to stay by her side.
The new persona said, "You know she practically pays your rent."
He comforted himself that the girl was going to give him money and bring him benefits. Because the new persona controlled all the money, the prison warden was blind.
The new persona was very angry that she was duped. Unlike the old persona, she knew her weakness. She cared about money, reputation and power. She would have to give it up and leave. She didn't want to. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't figure out how to leave with these things intact. The old persona was now laughing at her.
The new persona tried pretending for a while. She was deeply dissatisfied. The prison warden was now embarrassingly stupid. She could see through his methods of control. They were juvenile. She also got to see how lazy he was. He failed to do anything. He failed to earn any money. He failed to bring her sexual satisfaction. He failed to give her loyalty. And he failed miserably to be a good caring person. Maybe he improved slightly from before, but his insides were rotten. And of course, the injustice done to the old persona could not be forgiven. The new persona even thought about killing him because it would surely be better for the world if that happened.
While the new persona struggled, fortuna was impatient, and thankfully, she was. It was July 2017. The new persona finally graduated from university. She was free. During this time, it was also one of her classmate's birthday. Again, she managed to manipulate the prison warden's perspective of the relationship. And she lied to the prison warden that she attending a meeting for graduate English students. She was, after all, accepted into the program. She went to the restaurant with her cohorts to celebrate. They were blind to her situation. They only knew her as the new persona and knew nothing about her old persona. The new persona was not about to tell them anything. She liked performing the lie. But that lie was going to collapse that night.
As soon as she left the restaurant, she saw his car. How the fuck was he there? How the fuck does he know? It was scary. But then again, he probably traced her phone. He was the one who owns the number. The new persona should have ran away. She didn't. She went into the car, and later, she would be very grateful that she got in the car.
The prison warden lost his mind. He threw away her glasses. He threw away her handbag. She was vulnerable. He slapped her and punched her. Her whole face was swollen. Her nose bridge was throbbing and her skin was smarting. He pulled on her top and the buttons broke. He destroyed her necklace. Bear in mind that the prison warden haven't done something like this since the old persona was around. And the old persona, being hidden in the darkroom for so long, had completely forgotten the pain until that moment again. The new persona was livid. Unlike the old persona, she knew her worth. She yanked his glasses and pushed his massive body away from her.
He slowed the car down and told her to calm down. He told her she was out of control. He took her to an industrial area. The new persona and the old persona watched together. They both realized that they might die at this moment. He asked if she believed he would kill her.
He said, "Believe me, I will fucking kill you."
The new persona stopped fighting and began coaxing. She sent an email to "the graduate program director", who was just one of her professors to ask about the graduate meeting. The prison warden made her send it. They both knew she was lying. It was just his way of embarrassing her by using her name. He did that to the old persona when he sent very disgusting messages to her friends about her sex life. Naturally, the old persona hid away from the world. The new persona did not want to die or be hidden away like the old persona. She knew he wanted her to construct a new motherly person who would stay at home and take care of their future kid. It was bad enough that he fucked both of them up. It would be immoral to bring another person into this.
And that night, the new persona decided to kick the warden out of their lives. She called the girl up. Together they came up with another plan. The warden is now gone to terrorize other women and to enjoy the spoils of the new persona's hard work.
The trouble with the darkroom is all but over.
The violent force which suppressed everything is now gone, but the experience has shaken the two personas greatly.
The old persona or self is now at liberty to leave the darkroom. Still, the old persona is still very self-conscious. She feels horribly grotesque and unaccepted. She feels guilty about what happened. She wants to connect with her old friends and explain everything. She feels ashamed and embarrassed. She also wants to have fun and enjoy the life she lost. She wants to heal and save the world from people like the prison warden. She is still wild and sexually promiscuous.
The new persona is not self-conscious. The persona believes she is in the right. She pretends to feel guilty when she really feels self-righteous. She knows that it was almost an act of God that she left. It was a miracle. She distrusts many people. Having seen the indifference of those towards the old persona, she tests people constantly. She only wants to win, and she wants to win for herself. She looks at these old friends and people who help keep the old persona in the darkroom with cold hatred and fury. She even hates her mother and father. She believes they abandoned the old persona.
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I have these two personas within me. I do not have multiple personality disorder. These two personas are the different versions of the narrative of abuse. The abuse ruined me and destroyed my old self, and I was only able to escape the abuse because I was forced to become a different person.
Eventually, these two personas need to be merged together. The old persona cannot be left in the darkroom as an abject. And this blog is an initiation of the first steps to do so. Eventually, both of them need to walk hand in hand out of the darkroom.
For ten years, I have lived largely in silence about what happened to me. Sure, in these ten years, I have been writing every day. I make money from selling my words. I have been writing everything from business blogs, education materials, academic essays, and some other things that I would have never imagined writing when I was in high school. In these ten years that I have spent writing for other people, I had little time to write about this situation that unmade me, and then made a new version of me.
I was too conscious about how I would look like in the public. I was paranoid beyond comprehension. I was afraid to utter even one word for fear it would be twisted against me. I was afraid of sounding too much like a victim. I was afraid of sounding too strong and detached. I was (and still am) an incoherent fractured mess. I have not been dealing with this at all. I escape instead and dive into my work. I let the new persona take over.
And every time there was a break in work or a long period of nothingness, the old issues come back. Thoughts and feelings I pushed to the back of my mind ages ago into filing cabinets spill out of their containers. A flood of messy shards of images, words, and emotions come at me. They remind me of my inadequacies, my weaknesses, and my shame. They come at me in my dreams. I want to cleanse myself from them and be reborn, but they are a part of me.
Something happened. A cataclysmic event broke me and overturned everything I had treasured in my life. A part of me had to disappear.
For ten years, I suffered in silence.
For ten years, I suffered in silence.
This violent force was an assemblage of people. The most distinctive part of this force was my abuser, a man who claimed he loved me. Other parts of this force were surprising. There were people like my old friends, my parents, and many other bystanders. I thought these people would have wanted to help. They didn't, or couldn't. A part of this force was the police, who couldn't help me.
Because of this force, I had to hide my original self away. Everyone pointed fingers at this old self. She was a slut. A low life. A stupid thing. An untamable crazy bitch. Even her feminist friends fed her to the lions. One said, "How dare you allow him to vilify you in this way?"
More shame was launched onto her. They were like the chorus in the Greek tragedy; they have a front-row seat to my tragedy but they are helpless to do anything to stop the tragedy. Why can't you leave him? Don't waste your life with him? Can't you see what's going on? You're not stupid, you can leave him anytime. It's understandable he's angry if you had several sexual partners. Don't be so weak. You're going back to him because of the sex. You are addicted to sex. You know he hits you, why are you going back to him? It was like no one fucking knew what "domestic abuse" or "intimate partner violence" was.
And yes, many of these people were feminists. They contended that I was a fool. They got angry at the old persona, who could not comprehend what was happening to her. Every crazy thing she was doing was a puppet act, and no one could understand it was a puppet act. Everyone she knew and loved turned against her. Her friends and her parents. Her abuser made her see just how alone she as, and he became the only thing she had. Oh, I know she was wild, free, and independent. However, she was too trusting, naive, and feeble. And maybe he was an experienced abuser. She was really no match for him. And her mother told her just how stupid she was. Everyone underestimated the abuse. And so I was only allowed to exist if I constructed a persona or a self that was in stark contrast to the real self.
What also fueled this process was how my abuser enlisted the help of my "friends". He got information out of them as ammunition against my real self. He got information out of them to prove that I was a slut who shouldn't exist. She was too wild.
At this point, the real original self decided to hide because she loved the man who imprisoned her. She helped fashioned persona that was allowed to walk the streets during the day and night. This persona was conservative in fashion. She wore button-ups. She was a paragon of hard work. She was less sensitive. She was satisfied with being a caged birth. She could run a business from 3pm to 9pm, and she could go to university from 7am to 3pm. And from 9pm to 1am, she cooked, cleaned, and slaved.
The abuse still came with lesser intensity, but the new persona could not feel pain anymore. The new persona had lost some of the memories of the old persona. This persona acted like she was in her 40s.
While my original persona was hidden, she did not die. She was in a darkroom the whole time looking at the life that the new persona lived in. The original persona was barely there. Sometimes, she would have the strength to be angry and questioned. Why did they put her here? Why did she go so willingly? What was wrong with her?
She looked through the life that the new persona lived with mixed feelings. While she was resentful she had to remain hidden, she was also fiercely possessive of this new persona. Yes, she was forced to make this persona, but she was the one made it. She was then contented to see the new persona as a part of her too.
Of course, nothing belonged to the old persona. As my abuser, who is the prison warden of the story, said to me one day, "Because of me, you are changed. You were a rotten apple before. A slutty whore. And I cut all of your defects away. You are now a better person because of me."
When she heard that, my old persona wanted to run out of that darkroom and show the prison warden just how alive she motherfucking was, but she stayed in the darkroom because she knew the consequences. She also knew perfectly well it was not easy to leave this prison warden. You see, she also loved him. He was not just a prison warden. He was her patriarch, her god, and her everything. What was sick about it was that her memories of his "goodness" were why she stayed in the darkroom and why the new persona kept living.
The thought of leaving the darkroom was unthinkable. Would anyone even believe that he was her prison warden? They didn't see him taunting her, beating her, raping her, and spitting on her. And if they did, they all thought she was asking for it. She remembered how his friend told her that he would beat his girlfriend like the prison warden if the girlfriend had done something to wrong him.
The prison warden was unsure whether the old persona died. He cannot enter the darkroom. He can only stand by the door watchfully. He only thought she died because there was a day when the tanned and fit girl of twenty disappeared and out emerged a frumpy looking forty-year-old who seemed to have thrown her sexuality away. He didn't know that berating my old persona had consequences.
You see, he was a true motherfucker. He loved taming wild unruly women into submission, but he was paranoid as to whether they would turn around and stab him in the back. He is sick in the head. He wanted them to be wild so he could feel the thrill of controlling them. He also wanted them not to be wild at the same time to defy their orders.
He teased her, "Where is the old rebellious self? She was so wild and sexual. She used to wear slutty clothes. I missed her so much. Now you're boring and all about work."
There was a time when the old persona would let him know a piece of her mind. She knew the time was not right. She let the new persona speak. The new persona coaxed him with sugary words. The old persona was pissed. The new persona thought the prison warden was stupid.
The old persona never died. She thrived during dreams, presenting her desires and demands to me in HD format. The persona dreamed of old friends in the past she was not allowed to see. She dreamed of freedom, but in the morning, she becomes quiet again in her darkroom.
She worked cautiously with the new persona to find a way to escape. There had to be a way out somehow, but there was never enough time. The prison warden was always watching.
There were failed attempts, of course, that resulted in more pain than the actual imprisonment. One time, the new persona brought in a person she thought was a friend. This person saw the darkroom and how the warden stood guard. The new persona expected her to be horrified and disgusted by the state of affairs. The person drank the scene with her eyes and felt so amused and entertained by it. She asked the new persona to give explicit details.
She begged her, "Tell me how he does it. Does he hit you? Like a slap or a punch?"
She saw the crippled and grotesque old persona on the cold floor and sneered. You see, this person was born quite ugly, and she had little intelligence to boast about. What's worse is that she didn't have any good in her. She took pleasure in the situation. It made her feel better about herself. The disgusting creature even found a picture of the old persona and asked why both of them have lost their splendour and beauty. The new persona had to restrain the old persona from strangling the cruel girl.
This disgusting person thrived on Schadenfreude, and she couldn't help but talk to the prison warden. She was simply fascinated by him. In reaction, the old persona screamed inside her darkroom, howling in pain at the humiliation. The new persona kept calm and quickly redirected the prison warden.
The old persona was never the same again. She could no longer trust the world outside of the darkroom. How would people gaze at her bruised flesh? She was fucking vulgar. A disgusting person who should just quietly die.
She told the new persona, "I will rather be with the prison warden for the rest of my life than to be a zoo animal for the whole world to point and gawk."
Her fear of being shamed again was even stronger than the fear of the prison warden.
Meanwhile, the new persona was not locked up. If you can remember, the new persona was allowed to roam free outside of the darkroom. Why? The new persona could bring ducats of gold back to the prison warden. No one would assume that these ducats were going to the disgusting warden, and most people respected the new persona. She was more well-spoken than the old persona. She was less emotional and wild. She was not feeble, and she was not sexual. She worked non-stop, and she was driven to bring about a result. With time, the new persona became more real than constructed.
Gradually, the violent force became a little less aggressive because the prison warden stopped guarding her. He got bored and wanted to find new victims. The new persona was careful and allowed the old girl to dance rebelliously outside of the darkroom. The old persona would always go back to the darkroom, but whenever she was out, she was delusional in the short ecstasy of freedom. No one stopped the original persona from coming out of the darkroom, but no one who used to care about old persona took any notice either. It was like a tree falling in the forest when no one is there to hear. She was allowed to exist without anyone knowing. She felt completely alone in the universe. She felt an odd sense of calm outside of the darkroom, but she was still compelled to go back to the darkroom and be guarded by the prison warden.
The tide of fortune had now completely changed. The prison warden was no longer superior to anyone. In fact, he was lazy and insipid in comparison to the new persona. The new persona wanted to leave. She could see objectively that the warden lacked use and power. No matter how hard she tried, the old persona refused to leave the darkroom to help her get rid of the annoying warden guarding both of their lives.
Fortuna was on their side and sent the most unsuspecting person to catalyze a chain of reaction that would get rid of the warden once and for all. Good deeds do come in circles because there was one day when the new persona helped a girl in need. She saw that the girl was close to being imprisoned by another prison warden and swiftly helped the girl. She did not want the girl to become the old persona, trapped in the darkroom.
The girl was very grateful, and she was surprised that this new persona did not judge her like any other person ever did. The new persona became her 贵人 (noble person), and in turn, the girl became the new persona's 贵人. They respected each other and became very close friends, but the new persona was afraid to show her the old persona in the darkroom and the prison warden guarding over her.
This rapidly changed when the new persona became very very exhausted. The prison warden was now more greedy for ducats than ever, and he refused to put in his share. Even though she was constructed, she became very tired. She lost some of her objectivity; after all, she was fashioned by the old persona. She even let the old persona to take over once in a while as she slept in the darkroom. This was disastrous because the old persona had not had any fucking time to process the years of trauma, and she unleashed her rage at everyone.
Fortunately, the prison warden was too busy to actually know that it was the old persona wrecking havoc. He thought she had died long ago. He was convinced that the new persona loved him (she was a fantastic actress). He didn't care about the rage as long as it wasn't directed at him.
Meanwhile, the new persona could barely go a day without collapsing. She was at her breaking point. She needed someone to convince the old persona to let go so they could all leave. She revealed the brutality of the warden to the girl and showed the girl the state of the old persona. The noble person was angry at the situation. She hated the prison warden, and she pitied the old persona. She didn't taunt the poor creature. She visited the feeble creature in the darkroom and fed it words of encouragement. The old persona, starved and abused for so long, was energized by these words. Looking at the girl and the new persona's encouragement, she agreed to get rid of the warden.
The girl, the new persona and the old persona worked out a way to get rid of the warden, and even the personas' mother helped. However, the plan was thwarted. The warden was shocked when he saw that he was cornered, but he wasn't a fool. He saw that the old persona was not only alive but also against him. He knew how to get the old persona to back down. He weaved a story with words he used before to enchant her.
The new persona yelled at the old person, "Goddamnit, don't believe a fucking word he says."
The old persona remained steadfast.
But before she knew it, the prison warden attacked her with, "How can you be so irresponsible for leaving everyone? Don't you know you have work to do? How can you leave your clients?"
The new persona weakened as well. She was unaware that she was not as strong as she thought. Because she was conscientious, she felt a huge responsibility.
Before anyone could do a damn thing, the prison warden regained his power and utter these words louder and repeated them. He repeated them in different versions. The repetition and bombardment of words were enough to shake the two personas. Then, he cut the bonds that were forged with the girl. He knew that she was a nuisance.
The prison warden acted lovingly and sweet, and cast all doubts aside. And when the time was right, he showed his evil again.
This time. He threw both personas in the darkroom. He tortured, raped, and demeaned both of them until they both convinced him that they would never leave his side. He couldn't believe the strength of the two. He had to put them under his control. It was nothing like what it was five years ago when it was just the old persona. The two of them were telling people about him. They spoke out against him. They were not afraid to call the cops. They were willing to walk barefoot to the security guard office and ask someone to call 999 for them. And they were willing to talk to the cops! Luckily, the cops were fucking useless, so they told both of them to hurry back to the apartment with him and stop causing such a fucking scene.
But the prison warden was actually very afraid. He knew he was losing control. He tried to regain it.
He used the old persona's past. He brought her sexual past up. It used to make her cower and cry and lose all sense of dignity. He loved it when that happened. It made him so hard. The new persona pretended to care and covered the old persona's ears. She had one goal in mind. She wanted to focus on finishing her university education, and she wanted to do a Master's as well. She also wanted to keep teaching all her students who she loved so much. She did everything he asked, and then, she did her own thing.
The prison warden was not satisfied. He wanted the screams of the old persona. He wanted that girl who would weep for days and cower. Who the fuck was this cold-hearted bitch? This new persona was ruthless. She managed to convince the prison warden that it was a good fucking idea for the girl, who helped her escape, to stay by her side.
The new persona said, "You know she practically pays your rent."
He comforted himself that the girl was going to give him money and bring him benefits. Because the new persona controlled all the money, the prison warden was blind.
The new persona was very angry that she was duped. Unlike the old persona, she knew her weakness. She cared about money, reputation and power. She would have to give it up and leave. She didn't want to. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't figure out how to leave with these things intact. The old persona was now laughing at her.
The new persona tried pretending for a while. She was deeply dissatisfied. The prison warden was now embarrassingly stupid. She could see through his methods of control. They were juvenile. She also got to see how lazy he was. He failed to do anything. He failed to earn any money. He failed to bring her sexual satisfaction. He failed to give her loyalty. And he failed miserably to be a good caring person. Maybe he improved slightly from before, but his insides were rotten. And of course, the injustice done to the old persona could not be forgiven. The new persona even thought about killing him because it would surely be better for the world if that happened.
While the new persona struggled, fortuna was impatient, and thankfully, she was. It was July 2017. The new persona finally graduated from university. She was free. During this time, it was also one of her classmate's birthday. Again, she managed to manipulate the prison warden's perspective of the relationship. And she lied to the prison warden that she attending a meeting for graduate English students. She was, after all, accepted into the program. She went to the restaurant with her cohorts to celebrate. They were blind to her situation. They only knew her as the new persona and knew nothing about her old persona. The new persona was not about to tell them anything. She liked performing the lie. But that lie was going to collapse that night.
As soon as she left the restaurant, she saw his car. How the fuck was he there? How the fuck does he know? It was scary. But then again, he probably traced her phone. He was the one who owns the number. The new persona should have ran away. She didn't. She went into the car, and later, she would be very grateful that she got in the car.
The prison warden lost his mind. He threw away her glasses. He threw away her handbag. She was vulnerable. He slapped her and punched her. Her whole face was swollen. Her nose bridge was throbbing and her skin was smarting. He pulled on her top and the buttons broke. He destroyed her necklace. Bear in mind that the prison warden haven't done something like this since the old persona was around. And the old persona, being hidden in the darkroom for so long, had completely forgotten the pain until that moment again. The new persona was livid. Unlike the old persona, she knew her worth. She yanked his glasses and pushed his massive body away from her.
He slowed the car down and told her to calm down. He told her she was out of control. He took her to an industrial area. The new persona and the old persona watched together. They both realized that they might die at this moment. He asked if she believed he would kill her.
He said, "Believe me, I will fucking kill you."
The new persona stopped fighting and began coaxing. She sent an email to "the graduate program director", who was just one of her professors to ask about the graduate meeting. The prison warden made her send it. They both knew she was lying. It was just his way of embarrassing her by using her name. He did that to the old persona when he sent very disgusting messages to her friends about her sex life. Naturally, the old persona hid away from the world. The new persona did not want to die or be hidden away like the old persona. She knew he wanted her to construct a new motherly person who would stay at home and take care of their future kid. It was bad enough that he fucked both of them up. It would be immoral to bring another person into this.
And that night, the new persona decided to kick the warden out of their lives. She called the girl up. Together they came up with another plan. The warden is now gone to terrorize other women and to enjoy the spoils of the new persona's hard work.
The trouble with the darkroom is all but over.
The violent force which suppressed everything is now gone, but the experience has shaken the two personas greatly.
The old persona or self is now at liberty to leave the darkroom. Still, the old persona is still very self-conscious. She feels horribly grotesque and unaccepted. She feels guilty about what happened. She wants to connect with her old friends and explain everything. She feels ashamed and embarrassed. She also wants to have fun and enjoy the life she lost. She wants to heal and save the world from people like the prison warden. She is still wild and sexually promiscuous.
The new persona is not self-conscious. The persona believes she is in the right. She pretends to feel guilty when she really feels self-righteous. She knows that it was almost an act of God that she left. It was a miracle. She distrusts many people. Having seen the indifference of those towards the old persona, she tests people constantly. She only wants to win, and she wants to win for herself. She looks at these old friends and people who help keep the old persona in the darkroom with cold hatred and fury. She even hates her mother and father. She believes they abandoned the old persona.
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I have these two personas within me. I do not have multiple personality disorder. These two personas are the different versions of the narrative of abuse. The abuse ruined me and destroyed my old self, and I was only able to escape the abuse because I was forced to become a different person.
Eventually, these two personas need to be merged together. The old persona cannot be left in the darkroom as an abject. And this blog is an initiation of the first steps to do so. Eventually, both of them need to walk hand in hand out of the darkroom.
For ten years, I have lived largely in silence about what happened to me. Sure, in these ten years, I have been writing every day. I make money from selling my words. I have been writing everything from business blogs, education materials, academic essays, and some other things that I would have never imagined writing when I was in high school. In these ten years that I have spent writing for other people, I had little time to write about this situation that unmade me, and then made a new version of me.
I was too conscious about how I would look like in the public. I was paranoid beyond comprehension. I was afraid to utter even one word for fear it would be twisted against me. I was afraid of sounding too much like a victim. I was afraid of sounding too strong and detached. I was (and still am) an incoherent fractured mess. I have not been dealing with this at all. I escape instead and dive into my work. I let the new persona take over.
And every time there was a break in work or a long period of nothingness, the old issues come back. Thoughts and feelings I pushed to the back of my mind ages ago into filing cabinets spill out of their containers. A flood of messy shards of images, words, and emotions come at me. They remind me of my inadequacies, my weaknesses, and my shame. They come at me in my dreams. I want to cleanse myself from them and be reborn, but they are a part of me.
Since I cannot escape, I cannot forget, and I cannot endure, I must take what was hidden in the darkroom for so long and give them form. I must understand my old persona and my new persona and integrate them harmoniously.
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